The Your Mental Breakdown Corona Diaries
Meredith is writing a blog during the quarantine and sharing some of her insight, thoughts and feelings about what's going on right now. Doug and Meredith will also be doing a few audio blogs not heard on the podcast for you guys to hear. You can comment here or go to our Facebook Group to join the community and keep the conversation about mental health going!
Listen to the trailer!
I did HUGE things this weekend! I went to my office for the first time in over 6 weeks. 6 mother f ing weeks! The craziest part is that it felt like I never left when I walked in. I love my office. I love my work. It was empty of all my friends and colleagues that I work with day in and day out. So of course that made it much less exciting. Nonetheless it was so nice to know that one day, hopefully soon - ish, I will be able to return to doing the work I love in a place I love.
Also exciting, is after that I went to the nursery to buy gardening supplies! I planted red bell peppers, basil, tomatoes and something else I can’t remember. Apparently it will be a surprise!
I also washed my car. All by myself. I’ve done it before with my ‘57 Ranchero but doing it to my Prius was a whole different experience for some reason. I must say I did a damn good job and my FitBit apparently agrees. It told me I did almost 2 hours of activity! Between gardening and car washing, why the hell am I exercising so much???
Okay so I don’t think we’re close at all to life being “back to normal.” However, with the recent developing talks of when things will start to open back up again, I’m starting to think about what that would look and feel like. Honestly - it has me nervous and I’m not sure why.
Maybe it’s because I have been basically stuck inside my house alone for 5 weeks and I’ve gotten used to it? Maybe because I haven’t worn anything but sweatpants in 5 weeks and I’ve gotten used to it? I don’t even know if my clothes will fit! Maybe because I haven’t driven further than a mile in 5 weeks and I’ve gotten used to it? NO TRAFFIC?
Maybe because I feel like I haven’t “accomplished” enough. I planned on finishing a training for work. I planned on really nailing my hand stands. I planned on getting my garden in order. I planned on... To be fair I have worked on all of these things - but I don’t feel like I have “accomplished” them. What if I don’t have all those things perfect by the time we are allowed out in the world???
I guess that makes me human…
Here is my diary entry for today. This is my sister’s dog Roxy. She’s a pro tetherball player.
That’s all. Hope it made you smile.
Now quarantine has been moved to May 15th??? NOOOOOOOO. I cannot. I simply cannot. Okay I can but I REALLY don’t want to. The new normal is becoming way too normal. On a positive note, we had an amazing teenage easter egg hunt yesterday at my sister’s! Even though we’re Jewish, we have always celebrated mostly the “other” holidays like Christmas and Easter because they are simply way more fun! (no offense to Jews). Every year since I was born we have had or have gone to an easter egg hunt. Before my niece and nephew were born, I still insisted that we were never too old to hunt for eggs with candy and money in them! DUH! This year, we were unable to go to our step-dad’s house, for obvious reasons, so we had it at my sisters. All of the kids are now teenagers and let me tell you they were definitely not “too cool” to look for eggs. Maybe it was the quarantine, maybe we are never too old. Either way I laughed so damn hard and felt so grateful to be able to have the experience.
ALSO - my sister’s dog has learned to play tetherball and it is possibly one of the best things I have ever seen. We all ordered tetherball sets during lockdown because, why not? Such fun and good exercise! Well apparently Roxy, the Bernie Doodle, is a pro! Maybe I’ll post a video some time. Her brother Boomer, the Golden Doodle, isn’t much of a fan but hey he’s super fluffy so there’s that.
Favorite candy??? Mine are swedish fish, licorice (and we can debate twizzlers v. red vines another time), jelly beans, and basically anything chewy or gummy. Not a huge chocolate fan but don’t get me wrong - I will never turn down some dark chocolate with sea salt!
So the rain stopped which makes me feel a little better and less like it’s armageddon. On a positive note my car did get washed so that’s helpful! I’ve been getting creative and out of my comfort zone with some online “exercise” classes which is pretty exciting. I figure now is a time to try a lot of different things and see what sticks.
So here are my favorite 2 new ones:
The Class by Taryn Toomey
The only way I have been able to explain this is like a combination of Qi Gong, Kundalini Yoga, and 80’s aerobics. It is so freeing! A lot of dancing around, jumping around, shaking it out, yelling, jumping jacks, squats, etc... It’s spiritual and liberating and a damn good workout. My ass and abs have been sore for days!
Lauren has something called Aligned Life Studio. She is apparently known as “The Body Whisperer.” She is focused on Rebounding and Rolling. So yes, you need a rebounder and a roller. A rebounder is basically a mini trampoline. She swears by the detoxifying, energy creating, increasing circulation, toning and burning fat results of both of these. So far it’s been both painful (rolling) and fun (rebounding).
I’m really glad my neighbors can’t see into my house. Well for many reasons, but also to see me jumping up and down on the trampoline and yelling and flailing around - might be disconcerting.
Also - is anyone donating blood? I really want to but I am, understandably, super nervous.
I ventured out of the house yesterday for the first time in a while - into the great unknown. It was my first time wearing both a mask and gloves. I actually felt pretty good about it. I realized although I look crazy, so does everyone else. I would have felt much more insecure if I wasn’t wearing them - positive that everyone would be judging me!
I will say however, that my hands get so sweaty and feeling my own warm breath constantly is NOT my favorite thing. I realized - if you’re ever not sure if you have bad breath - put on a mask and you will know immediately! Thank god I have extremely good oral hygiene.
I’ve been working on my garden, which thus far in my life is not my biggest strength. Maybe this is the time to find my green thumb! I ordered a cute little gardening apron and some tools so clearly this is what I have been missing! I think I need to do a little more research on what grows when and how. Apparently peas are meant to grow up a trellis or stick thing, otherwise they go crazy getting all tangled in everyone else’s business in the garden. So, got some sticks, took care of that situation.
My strawberries are doing much better now that I have figured out a way to get rid of rolly pollys. Yes, that is their real name as far as I am concerned. A client of mine told me that all I needed to do was fill little cans with beer and put them in my garden. Apparently the little alcoholic rollys can’t resist a good beer. I’m sad because they died, however at least they died happy. Thank you oh wise client of mine!
Oh and thanks to another client of mine - I started watching Love is Blind. He let me know that as part of his treatment, I had to watch it because he had a lot of thoughts and feelings about it and he wanted me to be able to be fully informed when we discuss it! Thank god he did - I AM HOOKED. Come on Jessica! WTF??
So apparently I skipped writing all weekend. This whole week has been a blur bc of this damn kidney stone which...is still an ongoing saga. The shitty part is trying to decide if it is worth it to go to the doctor and risk being out in the world amongst possibly sick people.
What day is this officially? I think day 22? At least since I had to start working from home. I luckily managed to get out and go on a little walk yesterday before the rain started. I rant about the rain pretty often. Yes I KNOW we need it and it’s good for the environment. I also know that it dampens and dampers (both great words!) my mood and that people in LA can't drive in the rain for the most part. Most people seem very confused by this and to them I say, why would we know how to drive in the rain??? It almost never rains here!!!
I am one of those people who is terrible at driving in the rain so I very much try to avoid it. Therefore, rain = stuck at home, inside, and sad. Okay rant over.
On a more positive note, if we really do get to re enter the world on April 30th, that means only 25 more days. There is a way to look at almost anything in a positive light if we try (almost anything!)
I’m also very grateful that Doug and I can continue to record our podcast even though we are in separate homes. It keeps me sane and grounded and able to connect not only to one of my favorite humans, but also to everyone out there that listens and gets something, anything from us during this crazy time.
I’m wondering if at some point I should order new sweatpants. Just to step it up a notch. Thoughts?
I started to write yesterday but never quite finished. Just a shitty and painful day so here we go again…
Yay it’s the weekend!!!! JK. The saga continues with the kidney stones...so it’s going on the fourth day and apparently my little stone wants to stick around for a while longer. Yes it is SO painful, however, I think even worse for me is not being able to go outside and at least go on a walk. Getting exercise in general is a very important part of my life. It’s grounding. It helps keep me sane. I have been able to be active daily up until now and it has made it so much easier to manage being home all day every day.
I also officially decided that I have to completely quarantine for the 2 weeks since my fever. No seeing my family, no grocery store or pharmacy. So as of today I have nothing! Ok checking the facts, I have a lot. It just FEELS like I have nothing. Checking the facts is a DBT skill that I find myself using more and more these days. Fact v feeling. Just because something feels true doesn’t mean it is true. This quarantine feels like it’s never going to end. The upcoming rain forecast feels like the end of the world. The stabbing pain in my side feels like the worst thing that could ever happen. All legit feelings - none are facts.
Facts are: I’m in pain and it sucks. If the forecast is true and it rains all of next week I won’t be able to be active outside and that sucks. This IS going to end.
In the meantime - Tiger King...meh? Not my favorite honestly. I mean yes the haircuts are AMAAAAAZING but I would be fine with an episode or two.
APRIL FOOL’S!!!!! Oh wait - jk this is reality. So to continue, my fever is totally gone. HOWEVER, yesterday I began to get this really horrible pain in my lower back on the side. I figured it was just from working out. As the day progressed I realized what it was because I had prior experience with it about a year ago. A KIDNEY STONE!! TMI? Yep yep. Now I’m not a person who gets sick a lot. I’m a person who gets weird things sometimes. My best friend gave me the nickname GZ - stands for Ground Zero. I earned that name when I got the mumps last year. Who the F gets the mumps???
I have fallen down stairs, have had a strange rash or two, and some concussions. As a matter of fact my sister’s dog took me down the other day when he decided he wanted to chase a rabbit and of course it didn’t occur to me to let go of the leash!
So now, I have a kidney stone and am waiting for it to pass. If anyone has ever had one before, you can feel my pain. Rumor has it that it is comparable to giving birth. So here I sit, or lay actually, just biding my time. AND, I’m totally ok. I’m pretty resilient and none of my weird things (so far) have been that horrible. I’m grateful for my health every day. I’m grateful I can be super active and have functioning limbs and organs. So I may complain sometimes, but I honestly don’t have much to complain about.
EXCEPT maybe the news given yesterday that we can expect another 30 days of this shit. AGHHHHHH. I totally get it. Trying to contain this thing so we can decrease the number of fatalities. What a scary thought. I can’t even wrap my head around it. And yet, it still sucks and all I can do is take one day at a time.
Did I mention I got a tetherball set? That has been keeping me entertained. My horseshoe set came today so as soon as I can walk I will try throwing some shoes (is that a phrase??!)
Yesterday turned out to be an interesting day, which isn’t something I’ve said a lot lately. I woke up feeling fine, however I had a tinnnnnnnyyyyy bit of a sore throat the night before so I thought I would check my temperature. Mind you, I had no more sore throat. I put the thermometer to my temple, waited for the dreaded beep, and lo and behold it said 99.4! My thermometer is for sure broken. I called three local stores - all out of thermometers. Looked online. Literally out of stock everywhere. One of my clients suggested I try a food thermometer. I was desperate. Guess what - a digital food thermometer gave the same reading!! Crazy times call for creative measures. So of course I immediately thought okay, that’s it, I have corona or covid-19 or the rona, I’m dying! I mean of course I don’t overreact or catastrophize!!! So I did what any normal person would do and continued to check my temperature every 3 minutes for the next 10 hours. Duh.
As the hours went on at one point it got up to 100.4. My mind was spinning. Okay so what if it gets REALLY high? And what if I can’t breathe? Do I call my sister to take me to the hospital? That sounds like a horrible idea because then I get her sick!! So I call an ambulance? Ugh annoying that’s a lovely $2000 bill! I suppose it’s better than dying. Okay maybe it will just be a horrible fever which also sucks completely. Then what?? I literally have to quarantine for 2 weeks? Like zero leaving the house? Not even going on walks? How will I get food? Will tequila kill the virus?? What if I feel so shitty I can’t even do my zoom sessions with clients which is what truly keeps me sane?? AGHHHHHHH
Guess what? Woke up this morning with no fever. Zero. Zilch. Nada. YAY!!! But now what? Did I have it? Was that it? Do I still have to stay inside my house and away from my family for 2 weeks? I still don’t have the answers but I do know for now I am SO grateful that I feel better and I can see all my clients today! I am trying as hard as possible to focus on the now and be present in the moment. Otherwise if I start to think about the probability of doing this for another month or two will certainly push me over the edge!
Now I only check my temperature every 20 minutes - big improvements.
Have any of you had any days like this??
So…Trump said yesterday that we should expect another month of this. Isolation, quarantine, shelter at home, stay safe at home, whatever it’s called it’s basically all the same. It’s SO SHITTY! My first thought was ughhhhh, and then I started thinking about what it’s going to be like when it is finally over. When we are free to go back to our old lives. Then I realized, this isn’t about going back, it’s about moving forward.
What will shift for people? I know for myself, well I think at least, that I will spend more time with the people I love. L.A. has become a place of “yes let’s definitely get together!” Lack of follow through, and understandably because of traffic, isn’t very high. I’m 100% guilty of this. It has been SO nice with no traffic, but I predict it will be nicer to see people.
I also think I will be walking a lot more. I’m not saying I will be walking 10 miles to work, but at least walking or riding my bike more, when I can (as long as it isn’t raining of course!). The air is so clean right now, it’s lovely!
Spending money is another one. I am so grateful to still have a job. Although I already knew, I have become much more aware of how every single person contributes to our society functioning. Baristas, waiters, bus drivers, cashiers, doctors and nurses, and of course therapists! I want to be more conscious of just saying thank you every day!
I think I can safely say a lot of us have realized it’s the little things we miss the most. EATING AT A RESTAURANT!!!! Pretty sure that will be the first thing I do when freedom reigns again!! Movie theaters? Getting a hair cut? Getting my nails done? Okay that may be the first thing!!
What do you miss? What’s the first thing you will do?
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